The Beginning of the End of the World

I posted this 2 years ago on Facebook, but I feel the need to share it again here:

I don’t usually post from here or even use my phone in anyway while I am visiting my sweet Matthew’s bench. But today is 5 years since we walked here together and it feels like a milestone. I’m not sure of what or for who, but 5 years has always been this time that has loomed over us. It is significant because Matthew has been gone for half of the amount of time that he was with us (which is absolutely unbelievable to me). In that time, we have missed him every minute of everyday. The amount we miss him or think about him hasn’t changed, it hasn’t gotten any easier, but it is different. I am usually able to remember to breath (usually), I can get through a conversation and pay attention to what it is about (most of the time) and I can get through most days without crying (maybe not this week, but most days). I have had time to get past the constant anger and realize how incredibly lucky I am. I am the one that got to be this amazing little boys mom! I got 10 years to snuggle with him, play with him, grow and learn with him ( he, for sure taught me way more than I taught him). I got to hear his jokes, feel his squeezes and massage his piggies. I got to read him stories, tell him made up stories, tuck him in, get him dressed take him to toy stores, Disney, the beach, the mountains and to the “jumpy things”. I am so unbelievably lucky to have had the absolute best 10 years every with the most incredible, perfect family.

I am also lucky that I have gotten to see the unconditional love and support of family, friends and even strangers. On this day, five years ago, we saw a community of strangers on the greenway, jump to help our baby, with no questions asked. So, as I sit here on Matthew’s bench, I would like to say thank you to the amazing people that held up my sweet boy on that day and our family everyday since. Thank you to the stranger who took my phone to help 911 find us, thank you to the people who volunteered to take turns for the 47 minutes of CPR including Claire Villavicencio, to the man who offered my husband his bike to get the mile and a half where we were faster and told him just to leave the bike and he would come back to get it and to the hospital staff, the police that gave us the escort as they flew Matthew to Levine Children’s hospital, to my parents for coming in the middle of the night, to Megan and Adam Slechta for also coming in the middle of the night and keeping an eye on Nina, thank you to my friends that dropped everything to say goodbye at the hospital after we had spent the night waiting for better news, to everyone that brought groceries, love and literally everything that we didn’t even know we needed, to Teri Crafton for getting on a plane and getting to my house from Florida very shortly after we did, to everyone that volunteered at our first Matthew’s Helping Hands event (even in the pouring rain and freezing cold) and to those that have come to every event since, to Penny Hust Harpootlian, for making so many Matthew gifts to keep him always with me and to Jenn Poirierfor shouting from the rooftops how amazing our sweet boy was and what he inspired, the Petersen Family, the Loretz family, Pam and Riley Wilcox, Sara Fry Moore, Teresa Briggs , Joe McCourt and so many more (if you are not listed, you know who you are and how much you mean to me). Thank you to the staff, every teacher, and clients at Enlighten Yoga for truly saving my life. And to every person who has shown interest in getting to know who are sweet boy was and keeps his spirit going! I am grateful and in awe of the love we have seen.

In this very crazy and uncertain time, I feel much safer knowing that this beautiful, crazy world is full of such amazing people. I know Matthew is loving so many people thinking about him so often and for so long🌻

For the rest of today and tomorrow, I will be doing my best to breath and put one foot in front of the other. It will be easier because I know that I am supported by so many.