Not For The Faint Of Heart

If you ask me how I am doing, I will tell you that I am “fine” or that I am “ok”. What I will not tell you, is that everyday, for the last several weeks (since March has gotten closer), I have seen the last hours I spent with Matthew in the hospital, replay in my mind like a movie just like I did for the first few months. I will not tell you that, for the past few weeks, I have nightmares almost every night or that in quiet moments, I miss Matthew so much that I can’t breath.

You will see me out at the store or restaurant and I will be talking and smiling. I will ask how you are and tell you what Nina is up to or what event we have coming up next. I promise that I will never make you feel uncomfortable. You can talk about Matthew, in fact, I wish that you would. I promise that by bringing him up, you are NOT reminding me that he is gone. He is, at every moment, on my mind and I am glad when other people think about him.

I am not sure what the next few days or weeks will bring. In the meantime, I will get out of bed and I will breath. I will raise my daughter and enjoy watching her continue to become an incredible young lady. I will work to make Matthew’s Helping Hands an amazing place for children and their families and I will miss Matthew everyday.